


UPGRADE

by tsunbae



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, Be More Chill inspired, Gen, Hurt Lance (Voltron), Insecure Lance (Voltron), Lance (Voltron) Angst, Lance (Voltron) is a Mess, Lance (Voltron)-centric, Langst, M/M, Pre-Relationship, Upgrade - Freeform, Whump, klance, klangst, self-conscious Lance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-03
Updated: 2018-07-07
Packaged: 2019-06-04 21:19:58
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 11,922
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15155867
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tsunbae/pseuds/tsunbae
Summary: Lance has been suffering. With no one to turn to; all of a sudden, Lance is given a once in lifetime opportunity to change his life! A strange other worldly being offers to help him become who he wants to be!But is it all as it seems?Is Lance ready to give up what is necessary for his team, to be the best? Even if it means giving up who he is?





	1. Part 1

Last thing Lance remembers was being ordered through the comms to retreat back to the Lions and head back to the castle- the mission was a success! After defeating the sentries blocking his path, Lance sprints through the Galra corridors, congratulating the others, cracking a joke making the others groan, twisting and turning until BAM! All goes black around him.

* * *

 

_He can't hear his breathing nor heartbeat, only a mechanical whirring noise inside his head. Was he dying? Was he already dead? Were the Galra drilling into his head to physically extract information? Could they even do that? Is that even possible? Was he at the dentist? Did they even have a space dentist?_

_"Hey! Whoa, you have a lot of thoughts." A male voice that sounded a lot like himself chuckles inside his head- but Lance wasn't speaking. Lance thinks he's going crazy; a glowing silhouette starts to appear from the blackness. It took no real shape, no distinguishing features, just a being that stood on two feet._

_"Who are you? Where am I?" Lance started, scrambling to his feet, realising he no longer had his bayard at hand here- wherever here was._

_"We are in your mind Lance."_

_"How do you know my name?"_

_"I know everything there is to know about you Lance McClain."_

_"Not true!" Lance quickly denied. Was this a new Galra interrogation technique?_

_"I know how sad and frustrated you've been lately. I know how you feel when you make a joke to try and lighten the mood of the team but only get harsh remarks and comments. **I know you've been lonely.** "_

_Lance grew tense and his eyes drifted down, his fist curling then relaxing, scoffing with a short, pained laugh. "Like you would know anything about it. Try and tell me something I don't know."_

_"I'm here to help you Lance! To change your life! To become that well-liked person you want to be!"_

_"I don't want to change my life." Lance insisted, trying his hardest not to let the words of his reflection get under his skin as it scrutinised him, almost as if it was arching a brow at him (if it had eyebrows, that is)._

_"Lance, it's just some modifications for a better quality of life for you. As it stands, you are the only one who doesn't feel a part of Voltron- you feel useless, am I right? I can help, I can make you the most valued member of the team!"_

_"I am valued, I'm - I'm the sharpshooter..." Lance denied, quieter this time, the waver in his voice and drift of his eyes proving otherwise._

_"You are the goofball Lance. Everyone said so Lance. Even if you think you are valued, the others don't see it, do they?" Lance's lip began to quiver. The being wasn't exactly lying... "I am only trying to help Lance, I want to show the others that you are more than a goofball! Wouldn't it feel so good to prove them wrong?"_

_"If I'm not the goofball, who will be..?" Lance whispered._

_"They don't like goofballs, they don't need goofballs Lance. Wouldn't you like to know what it's like to be the other person? For once, wouldn't you like to know what it's like to be necessary?"_

_The being was right. So painfully right, Lance_ _hates_ _to admit. Emotions he'd held down for god knows how long were beginning to surface again. Lance craved for the feeling of being okay- the feeling of being strong, worthy and wanted. He wanted to feel safe and rooted. He wanted to be sure that if he ever went missing that his team would look for him, because right now Lance wasn't so sure. The team needed Allura, Coran, Keith, Hunk, Pidge and Shiro. If they disappeared, everyone would tear apart the universe to find them. Lance wasn't needed, let alone wanted. Allura could easily pilot Blue- in fact she might even be better. Lance was just a homesick amateur_ _, supposed_ _paladin_ _,_ _way out of his league thrown into space. He's just the goofball._

_The being took Lance's silence as an unspoken agreement._

_"Welcome Lance. Just sit back and chill."_

* * *

 

"L--ce! Lan--!" Said boy blinked to clear the blur in his vision, meeting eyes with Shiro, who was holding his shoulders firmly. "Lance! You okay buddy? You sort of just blacked out."

"Yeah! You scared us when you suddenly stopped responding!" Hunk laughed with tears of relief pooling in his chocolate brown eyes as Lance sat up with Shiro's help, looking around to try and see what had changed and ground himself into reality again.

"We're still at the Galra base, you've only been out a minute or so." Pidge informed, noticing the disorientation on Lance's face as he nodded slowly in understanding.

 _"They're in a hurry to move. You're fine, you're not injured."_  The voice from Lance's dream (or what he thought it was) echoed within the walls of his mind, Lance frantically turning his head to find the source of the voice.

"Lance!" Lance's attention was snapped to the concerned Shiro who was watching him carefully with worried eyes. "Are you okay?" He asked slowly.

"Y - Yeah, fine, I'm not injured. We should probably leave now." Lance offered a smile to the others, glancing around for any signs of the being. But there was no one other than the team.

"Okay, good. Let's go guys!" With another nod of affirmation from Shiro, the team sped towards their lions, taking down any sentries in their path.

Lance didn't feel any different, if anything, a little uneasy because of that voice, but physically felt fine. Everyone else seemed the same, so what had changed?

Lance's mind was fairly silent until Lance opened his mouth to crack a joke over the comms to the rest of the team on the way back from the Galra back.

 _"Don't."_  The voice warned.  _"You know what happens when you try to make a joke."_

"Hunk finds it funny!"

_"He's just being a good friend."_

"I find what funny?" Hunk's voice interrupted Lance before he could argue back, the voice in his mind quelling.

"What?"

"You were talking to yourself." Pidge snickered.

"Are you sure you didn't knock your head when you passed out?" Keith's remark had Lance's face feeling hot. Had he been talking out loud?

"Keith." The leader shushed the red paladin. "Lance, are you sure you don't want to be checked once we get back?"

"I'm sure, I'm fine! Just thinking out loud." It was ironic how true his statement was and Lance didn't even know the half of it yet.

_"We need to work on communications now we share this body."_

"What?!"

"Lance!" Shiro yelled, causing Lance to flinch in surprise and he swore he could feel Shiro watching him sceptically through the visuals.

"Sorry, sorry I'll just shut up now." Laughing sheepishly, Lance tried to brush it off, ignoring Keith and Pidge's witty comments.

 _"Like I said- communications. I can hear your thoughts. It's like an orchestra in here."_  The voice in his head chuckled, amused, but not in the condenscending way that Keith did and made him want to scream, but in a trusting, friendly way.  _"With your permission, I can start to file your thoughts, neatly tuck away your problems so you're not so bothered by them anymore."_

_"Pardon? File my problems?"_

_"Yes. And we can discuss our plan for improving you."_

Lance forgot that was what he had signed up to.  _"Sure."_

* * *

 

"Lance! Are you listening?" Lance was met with the expectant stares of the team and Allura's deep scowl of disapproval.

Lance was in fact not listening, far too excited in the prospect of this being improving him to be paying attention in the mission briefing. Now he wished he had so he didn't have to hear the heavy sighs of the team and see the disdained frowns curling on their lips. Keith looked like he was ready to yell at him anyway, so no doubt he would take his chance to rip into him- just say when. The team had a lot of pent up frustration, so Lance braced for the punches they'd hail down on him to lighten their own loads. It's the least he could do for them.

"I was Princess, we were talking about the crystal the Galra used to power the base and how we think the witch's dark magic may have had an effect on the whole planet, brainwashing them all." Lance's mouth moved somehow before he knew, the expressions of everyone turning to one of surprise (Lance was just as surprised but didn't let it show). It stung a little that they were so shocked by his knowledge, that he actually said something right, though Lance was a little relieved afterwards when they did not yell at him and just carried on their conversation after Allura apologised.

 _"What the hell was that?!"_   _Lance exclaimed excitedly as he felt a smile grow on the being._

_"You see? I'm pretty good at what I do."_

_"Thanks dude! You totally saved my guts!"_

"What's so funny?!" Lance startled at Keith's raised voice, cutting short Lance's conversation with the being.

"Uh, I - I..." Lance fumbled for his words, gulping at the stares of his team.

_"A little help please?"_

_"Of course."_

"So, Lance?" Keith was ready to explode, but another, softer, smile tugged at Lance's lips as he sunk back in his chair.

"I was thinking that I'm glad we're a step closer to the end of a long war."

_"Can you slip in a funny pun to make the others laugh? They seem like they're stressed."_

_"A joke won't help." The voice shushed him, pushing Lance back further into his own mind_ _;_ _watching a screen on what the being was doing in his place. "We'll have to sort out that selfishness too."_

_Lance was taken aback, then apologised sheepishly, knowing the being was right. In a war, being selfish is the last thing anybody would need- that's what started this hellish war in the first place. "I would appreciate it..."_

Lance could only watch as Allura and Shiro smiled at his words, and for once Shiro agreed with him, leading to a prideful speech from the leader of Voltron, and the team slowly but surely brightened. It was a bittersweet moment. Shiro didn't agree with  _him_ , but rather this other person, the better Lance. The faultless Lance who is so much better than him.

Lance had a lot to learn from this other Lance.

After the briefing, Lance retired to his room instead of catching up with the others like usual. He wanted a straight-forward conversation with the being to clear any unknowns, uninterrupted.

_"If you don't want to be interrupted, take a shower."_

Lance complied and put away his armour, replacing them with his comfy clothes to take to the bathroom. The cold water brought him tranquility, soothing the burns and bruises painting Lance's skin like he was a work of art. He sighed in satisfaction, letting the water relax his muscles- though it wasn't enough to relax his mind.

_"So what exactly do you do?"_

_"You wanted me to make you into a more likeable person, the ideal soldier you wish."_

_"Yes..." Lance affirmed wearily, wondering just what he'd signed himself up to._

_"Well it will be quite difficult Lance, because you are far from the ideal soldier."_

_"Hey! I'm strong!"_

_"Indeed, but it's a shame it goes to waste. You are physically capable, but it's more your mind that's the issue. You are overly emotional, you think too much- it's all tying you down Lance. A soldier's job is to fight, not feel." The being lectured as Lance felt his heart drop. This was exactly what the being meant by overly feeling. "You need to learn to control your emotions Lance. In fact, I think you'd do better without them at all. All you get out of it is hurt and pain."_

_"Not always..."_

_"Mostly." The being pointed out, refreshing a memory of Keith lashing out at him when all Lance was trying to do was help him and offer him support like a good (boy)friend. Then there was that time Pidge was yelling at him when he was shot by the Galra and almost taken captive if it wasn't for Shiro. Shiro shouted at him many times, but the one that stood out the most was when Shiro told him to "_ **_stay out of it_ ** _". It may not have actually been Shiro, but the doppelganger had to have had a base for his accusations- from Shiro's mind. Hunk had never directly shouted at him, but he rarely defended him and often agreed with the others at the wrong time- when Lance was truly suffering. "But truthfully, you know you're expecting too much from the others. Change must start with you. Which is where I come in to save poor souls like yourself."_

_"You've helped others?"_

_"Not necessarily. I am equipped with all the knowledge and latest technology to solve all your problems. It's what I'm made for."_

_"Seriously? You were built to help people? I wish I was like that."_

_"You will be, soon Lance. All you need to do is trust me."_

* * *

Dinner was somewhat silent, Lance deep in his thoughts, battling with the being on whether Lance should say something or not. Lance hated sharing silence with others, he always felt so restless. There had to be sound. If there wasn't, Lance would be the sound- whether it meant they hated him or not (though he would rather the latter). If it was silent, the others might hear the cacophony of Lance's thoughts. At least he could drown out the bad thoughts when there was sound, even if it was arguing. But strangely, Lance didn't feel so uncomfortable, talking with the being in his head, distracting him from the obvious. Lance thanked Hunk for the meal with a polite smile, then retreated back to his room after returning his dishes and bidding the others a good night, congratulating them once again for their hard work.

_"You see Lance."_

_"Everyone was relaxed at dinner for once_ _.._ _."_

_"Do you trust me now?"_

It hurt Lance that no one bothered to point out how quiet he was, or questionned his unusual behaviour. And it wasn't the first time. It was like this every time. If Lance didn't do anything- no one would. Lance learned that the Voltron members -people he considered his friends- actually caring for him further than physical injury was only a dream.

Lance reached his decision.

_"Yes."_

_"Thank you, we can finally start to make progress." The being patted Lance's shoulder reassuringly, sensing his sombre disposition. "Once you go to sleep, I will re-interface your mind, make some changes to the interior. I will be sure to make things comfortable for you, so all you have to do is sit back and chill. Any requests?"_

_Lance laughed sadly, wiping his glassy eyes with his sleeve. "A sofa would be great."_

_The being chuckled, "Of course Lance. I'm sure you're tired, go get some rest. Everything will be fine."_

And stupidly, Lance believed it.

* * *

 

That was the last time anybody saw of Lance for a long time.

Well, they saw Lance every day, but something about him had changed, and every time anybody asked him about it, he would simply brush it off with a calm smile. At first, the others enjoyed the silence since Lance was more selective of his speech now. It was calming. He began to behave like an adult, paying attention in briefings and committing himself to training a lot more now, the team noted. He never messed around and took the pair electro-maze exercise seriously, none of his partners stepping a foot wrong, despite their teasing comments. Training was definitely paying off; as if a beast of strength was awakened inside Lance, he rapidly improved, his true colours presented by the high scores Lance came out of training with. He climbed up the levels like it was child's play, never missing a shot, and never wasting a breath either. Allura praised Lance highly for his sudden improvement, saying he was "growing up to be the man I always thought you were going to be." She said, "I knew you would pull through Lance. For the team."

 

_"For the team." Lance echoed quietly._


	2. Part 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lance is learning. Both for better and worse.

Occasionally, Lance got some sceptical gazes from Hunk and Keith (more like ruminating glares in Keith's case), and Pidge would stare at him without saying anything, then shaking her head.

Lance was strangely chill. Like, excessively. Hunk pointed it out, worried for his friend, but Pidge simply told him to enjoy it while it lasts. They thought it was a phase. Maybe Lance was just a little off his game- or rather more on the game than he had ever been, even helping Allura and Shiro plan Galra base infiltrates. His plans always worked.

"Good job guys!" Shiro congratulated the team as they successfully executed Lance's well-thought-out plan yet again.

"Thank you guys." Lance added, a weird ritual now for him to thank the team for helping him with his plan and for completing it perfectly.

Hunk knew there was something wrong with Lance, his stretched smiles not sitting well with Hunk, his generic thanking-the-team sounding completely fake.

"You know you can talk to me about anything Lance, right?" Lance nodded. "Anything at all."

Lance rested a hand on Hunk's shoulder, instantly calming the male, "Thank you Hunk. I really appreciate it."

A smile broke out on Hunk's features. "No worries buddy! What are friends for?"

_"See, I told you so."_

_Lance sighed, relieved that his voice didn't crack and his calm facade was enough to convince his best friend Hunk. Lance didn't even know who he was anymore, so he's glad Hunk did. Hunk clearly recognised the real Lance. But as usual, didn't say much even though Hunk knew something was up._

_But then at least nothing had changed. Hunk shouldn't have to go out of his way to look after Lance._

 

* * *

 

_"You're learning fast Lance. It's paying off." The voice praised. It wasn't as uplifting as he hoped it would be, but Lance was taking what he could get. He should be grateful he's getting to see Hunk and speak to him, even if it was two sentences._

_"I was wondering if I could see the team again for a bit?" Lance piped, struggling in the silence that followed. "I promise I won't say anything or do anything!"_

_"Lance, Lance, Lance. Have we learned nothing these past few weeks?" Lance curled in on himself at the tone of his reflection. He felt like a child being scolded._

_"I'm sorry, just forget about it." Lance babbled hurriedly, turning away from the screen, withdrawing to the back of his mind- the darkness very appealing to Lance right now._

_"Don't worry Lance, you'll have your time soon. Just a little longer. What I've built is fragile, you are oh-so fragile at the moment. But it will soon be fixed. I will fix you Lance. I just need time." The being called out, stopping Lance for a moment. "Is that okay Lance?"_

_Lance turned to face the screen a final time with a forced smile. "Need you ask? Of course you can. I'll be in the back if you need me."_

_"Thank you Lance. It will be worth it, just you wait and see. You'll have them at your feet soon."  
_

 

* * *

 

"Hey you guys, don't you think something's been up with Lance?" Hunk asked as he entered the kitchen after passing Lance in the corridors, who flashed him another false smile. "Like he's been really quiet."

"Just leave him be Hunk, I'm sure he'll figure it out on his own." Pidge assured, with a mouthful of green goo. "If anything, just enjoy the peace for a while."

"You said that four months ago Pidge." Hunk pointed out, said person freezing for a moment, eyes widening.

"People change I guess." They shrugged, though Hunk could see the sliver of worry behind their glasses.

"But not to the extent Lance has. He hasn't said a single pun or joke in four months. That's like Keith going without training for four months, or me without cooking for four months!"

"What about me not training?" Keith popped in, helping himself to a bowl of goo then leaning on the opposite side of the counter to Hunk.

"We were just discussing Lance's abrupt character change." Pidge informed, Keith humming thoughtfully for a second.

"I don't see a problem. If that's how he wants to be, that's how he wants to be."

"But don't you find it even the slightest bit unusual?" Hunk urged, Keith just not finding it as alarming as Hunk. "You guys haven't argued for four whole months!"

"Isn't that a good thing?"

"Well, yeah, but it's not normal! It's like - It's as if it isn't Lance! Like Lance has disappeared!"

"I'm right here, what do you mean Hunk?" Everyone fell silent at the appearance of the hot topic in the doorway, finally out of training gear.

"You can ask him in person now." Keith pointed at Lance with his spoon, quietly eating his goo.

Hunk began to fiddle with the edge of his shirt, noticing the way Lance's eyes narrowed ever-so-slightly. It made Hunk feel... small? Somewhat... intimidated? "Uh... Well, I was just thinking you've changed... A lot in the past four months..."

"In what way?" Lance asked sharply with a condescending smile.

"W - Well, you haven't told any jokes, or - or flirted with Allura, or fought with Keith for like, ever."

"And why is that a problem? It's not as if you liked my jokes anyway if I remember correctly." Lance cocked a brow, Hunk's eyes widening then falling to stare guiltily at the floor.

"What the hell Lance?!" Pidge stood from their seat, slamming their hands on the table.

"What? Was it something I said?"

Now Keith was beginning to see what Hunk meant, his fists curling. "Yes, of course it was. It always was. What are you trying to achieve Lance?" Keith began to corner Lance, who held Keith's gaze steadily, not moving an inch.

"Keith!" Hunk scolded, knowing that whatever was going on with Lance, this sure as hell wasn't helping. In fact, it would probably push Lance further back, further away from reach.

"It wasn't my intention to upset or aggravate anybody." He spoke calmly, annoying Keith even more.

"Then what is?"

"To end this war then go back. Isn't that what everybody wants?"

 

That night Blue started to kick up a fuss in the hanger and no one knew why. Keith went straight to Lance, who was on the training deck like usual, burning the night oil.

"Hey. What's up?" Lance greeted, sweat glazing his less than coffee-coloured face.

"Blue's going haywire and no one knows why. The others are trying to get their lions to stop her before she wrecks the castle. Do something about it won't you? Or is the connection with your lion as broke as your personality?" Keith didn't know why he said that, he knew it was a mistake the moment he said it.

"Sure. I'll go see her now." Lance wiped the sweat from his face as he breezed past Keith.

'No... That wasn't what I was meant to say...'

He seemed to hear something snap- that wasn't his temper.

 

Keith didn't sleep well that night. He bolted up at stupid-o'clock, the adrenaline fresh from his nightmare still pumping through his blood, his heart racing, every time he blinks an image flashing in front of his eyes. Knowing he wouldn't sleep for long, Keith decided to take a walk around the castle, his room suffocating him. He ended up in the hangers, where Blue was now peaceful with Lance at her paw.

"Lance..!" Before Keith could raise his voice to call out to the paladin again, Red and Blue growled softly at him, telling him to shut up. Blue's particle barrier did not fall or even waver as Keith slumped helplessly in front of it.

Keith's nightmare consisted of Lance standing on the edge of a cliff at the crack of dawn, the sun just starting to rise, cold wind blowing his hair as the ocean crashed ferociously against the cliff-face. Lance glanced over his shoulder, smiling softly at him with a single clear thread running down his face.

"Sorry."

Keith exploded to life, chasing after Lance with his hand outstretched for the Cuban boy, crying out his name, for crying out loud why won't he turn around! Don't take a step forward! But he fell soundlessly, leaving Keith to grasp at the air where Lance once stood.

Sleeping by the Blue lion, looking blissfully ignorant to the fact the Keith watched him die before him was Lance, _alive_.

 

* * *

 

No one mentioned Lance's changes any more after that. If they were upset or missing him at all, they sure as hell didn't show it. And Lance did not show any signs of returning. In fact, day by day he was slowly turning to ice, to the point where no one saw him other than when they had to be together. Lance didn't make the effort to try and reach out to them, so they decided to wait patiently for him to collect himself and come back to them.

_(It was more the opposite; the longer they waited, the more Lance hesitated, the more Lance inched away from them to somewhere far beyond their reach collectively. Lance had hidden so far back in his mind, the quintessence strings linking him and Blue were barely graspable. Everyone had tried many times to move a centimetre closer to understanding Lance, but their attempts were futile- it was like trying to solve a puzzle with only half the pieces.)_

Technically, there was nothing wrong with Lance- he was functioning fine, as Allura pointed out kindly, it's just certain things felt wrong -said Pidge-, but they couldn't base things on feelings, they had to have concrete evidence. So until then, everyone waited. They respected Lance's privacy enough to know not to mess with his flow, as he wouldn't mess with theirs. They were so busy with Voltron, they barely realised nearly seven months had passed since Lance's reformation.

Up to this point, Lance had been faultless and simply enigmatic. He answered questions straight-forwardly, almost like he was telling the truth, but it felt false, like he was lying. A well rehearsed liar- Lance should've gone into acting.

Once again, the team set out to free another planet from Galra rule, an especially complex case with a plethora of security guarding the single jewel that allowed the Galra to rule the planet. They just had to get past the guards and return the jewel to the rightful owner-- easier said than done. With Lance's help, they managed to formulate a plan to get past the guards and infiltrate the system. Lance was the sniper and could only push forward once the team had gone ahead, Pidge would be guarded by Hunk as they made sure the electronic aspects of the security system was down while Keith and Shiro were to retrieve the jewel , going in to get the jewel. They travelled in pods with the added cloaking feature, courtesy of Pidge, so they could sneak in. By now the team got used to Lance guarding their back knowing he wouldn't miss a shot -he even said so himself, he swore it- so they needn't spare a glance back as they pushed forward. As he promised, Lance never missed his mark while the others disappeared from sight to their set places, leaving Lance on his own. It was okay, he was used to it. It went dark, Pidge and Hunk's job of turning the power off successful, blinking red lights the only thing illuminating the corridors. Lance's breaths were quiet as he listened closely for the sentries' movements and watched for shadows in the brief moment the lights were on, his aim steady in the dark as he eliminated the sentries in his area, forced to hit the warning button on his suit to signal to the others sentries might come their way- he doesn't know if he let any slip through the darkness.

"We've got it! Let's go guys!" Shiro ordered, followed by the grunts of effort from both him and Keith, guns firing and swords clashing.

"Roger! We only have 112 seconds guys!" Pidge added, the rest of the team making sounds of affirmation before each making their own way to where the pods awaited.

Everyone all ended up in the same corridor, sprinting to the pods, not daring to look back in case their were sentries behind them. They each jumped into their assigned pods, leaving with a fleet of fighters on their tail.

 

_"They're fools thinking they've won." The being giggled maniacally. Lance had hesitantly crawled his way back to the light of the screen because something felt wrong. He may not be in charge of his physical body, but he felt something twisting in his stomach- a bad omen. "Hello again, Lance. You're just in time to witness the fall of the great Voltron, all because of you. Isn't it great?! Don't worry about death, the witch will just bring us back again and you will be highly praised."_

_"Death? The witch?" Lance whispered in confusion, a smirk growing on the being that had over time slowly begun to resemble him in looks. It turned to face him with a malicious grin, Lance falling back in shock. It was him, but with sharp canines -little fangs-, yellow eyes and two Galra marks on his cheeks. How didn't Lance see it before- the being only appeared after he went to the Galra base, so of course it was Galra! He was so stupid! "What the hell?! This wasn't our deal!" Lance yelled, his voice surprisingly intact considering how long it's been since he last spoke._

_"Yes it was. To make you great, to make you more chill. We're so nearly there Lance, just stay chill."_

_"I am not chill! This is not what I wanted!-"_

_"I thought I taught you better about selfishness." Lance could hear a distant roar of the monster in the back of his head beginning to fight against the restraints the being used to silence it, threatening Lance, who flinched at the bone-rattling screech._

_"T - To hell with selfishness! If being great means discarding others- I refuse! If forever being the loser means my friends get to live then I'm happy with that!"_

_"You're too late Lance." The shackles holding the monster broke at the being's order, and it immediately pounced on Lance, darkness swallowing him. "I'm sorry it turned out this way. But it has to be done."_

_"At least I can die trying." Lance found some strength left in him, grabbing ahold of the glowing threads of his and Blue's quintessence, pulling himself through the darkness, using the glow of the quintessence to light the way. "I will save them at any cost!" He cried out as he pushed forward towards the light with a final cry, Blue's roars encouraging him._

 

Light blinded his eyes and it took him a while to adjust, the sounds of his teammates struggling starting to filter in, his surroundings becoming more clear. He was in control again- but he didn't know for how long. Now wasn't the time, but Lance wanted to burst into tears of happiness hearing his friends' voices, feeling things, seeing things. Pushing aside his overflowing emotions, Lance was forced back into fighter mode, gunning down the masses of fighters alongside his team mates.

_"You're too late Lance. Everyone will die at our hands." The being cackled._

Lance gritted his teeth in anguish, he wanted to be stronger and save them, but he can't. He hadn't changed at all, he was still weak. The other Lance would be so much better. But the other Lance was working for the Galra, he had been played all along. What could he do?

_"You're on your own Lance. You made this decision."_

Of course he's on his own. Lance has always been on his own. It isn't anything new.

'Think Lance!' They had to have had a greater plan, what did the being mean by dying and being revived? Lance knew very well that the being meant Lance was to die when carrying out the plan- but how and why? Why was it that Lance dying would be so important?

"Lance! A little cover over here please!" Keith's irritated huff pulled Lance out his thoughts.

"Right. On it." Lance sped towards the red paladin, who was sharing a pod with Shiro, of course.

"Guys, group up! We have to retreat! We can get protection at the castle and get the lions!" Shiro ordered, the others all agreeing and obeying their leader.

_"Tick tock! The time is soon Lance! You're only prolonging your death! I'll give you a chance to redeem yourself if you do a good job!"_

"Stick together guys!" Shiro continued to bark out to the others, a reliable calmness amongst the panic of the fight.

Then it suddenly hit Lance. Time. A bomb- Lance was a bomb. The other Lance had to be assured that they would trust him and accept him, only to blow it up from the inside, which would cause he rest of Voltron to cave in. Lance was to be the end of Voltron. And no way would he ever let that happen to his team mates.

"Why did you trust me?" Lance laughed wetly, mostly to himself.

"Did you say something Lance?" Pidge asked, Lance shaking his head, not that they could see.

"We keep going no matter what, right Shiro?" Lance checked, Shiro confirming. "Good."

"Lance?" Hunk called quietly, his voice small and afraid.

"I... I'm sorry."

Turning off his comms before the others could erupt into chaos, Lance pulled back from the team, pivoting and speeding full throttle towards the Galra fighter ships. Lance hoped that if he didn't look back, the others wouldn't either. He danced around the lasers fired his way- but he could not evade them all and as expected, he took a hefty amount of damage. Nonetheless, he kept his course forward, praying he was far enough from the others.

 _"No!"_  The being shrilled, Lance almost letting go of the controls- but he had to keep going, he had to put as much distance between him and the others as possible, as he had been doing in his mind for the past 7 months. His head felt like it was being smashed in from both sides, as if his head was about to implode, his vision swimming, his body screeching in agony and Lance was sure he was screaming too though only because his throat was burning- he could barely hear anything over the sound of Lance's pounding heart. He braced himself as the pod rattled again, another laser slamming into the side. In the swarm of Galra attackers; Lance was sure he was in the epicentre of it.

Through red vision Lance pressed the button for extra power, forcing his way to the front of the swarm, luring the ships to follow him away from the others. Like wild predators, the ships targeted the lone pod. With tremoring hands, Lance managed to unbuckle himself from the pod and staggered to the eject button. Suddenly Lance was thrown out into space, not close enough to the planet to be pulled down from gravity. Lance could only pray he wouldn't get shot, but he knows he doesn't really have the best of luck.

Lance cried out as he felt a laser scorching his shoulder, then everything went to white and Lance felt an indescribably intense pain in his head as a great force ripped his body (well that's what it felt like), his body shoved forward as the pod behind him burst to great flames. Some time later; Lance remembered falling, wind from his speed whipping all around him, his lungs feeling like they were going to burst and Lance could make out the surface of the planet and a crack in his visor that was probably why Lance couldn't get enough oxygen. How long has he been falling to be able to black out and somewhat come back around? In his dreary state, he somehow manages to briefly switch on his jet-pack, he can vaguely feel it spluttering helplessly to life on his back. He shuts his eyes and focuses on holding the button for three seconds then letting go for three seconds. Time drags on and the three seconds of free falling increases to six.

Then nine.

Lance tiredly cracks an eye open to see a vast sparkling sea of blue below him, tranquil and inviting.

He falls into the world of dreams in which all was blue, fading to black.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was pleasantly surprised by how many people knew Be More Chill! If you don't- I highly recommend it!  
> Also, thank you so much for your support and heart-warming commets/reviews! <3


	3. Part 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which an effort is made by the team to rescue Lance.

"I... I'm sorry." Was the last thing the team heard Lance say before Lance's pod suddenly pulled back and sped in the opposite direction to the castle.

"Lance!"  
"Lance, what the quiznack are you doing?!" The team shrieked as they watched his pod get further and further from reach, the Galra fighter ships chasing him.  
"He's turned off his comms!" Pidge practically screamed with Hunk on the edge of a breakdown, babbling nervously in the background.  
  
 _How could Shiro let this happen? What did the sorry mean? When Lance asked Shiro about whether they always keep going- why did he agree? Why didn't he voice his suspicions on Lance's strange question?_

"Shiro!" Keith snapped, pulling the leader out his thoughts. "What shall we do?"  
"We'll go after him, help reduce the numbers attacking him." Shiro ordered, a voice of reason and a figure of dependence in the chaos.  
The team did as told, picking off the Galra ships aiming for Lance. Lance had a pretty big head start, his piloting skills truly showing as he danced past the fighters and dodged their attacks.   
 _Why was Lance doing this?  
_ As they got closer; they could barely see Lance's pod amongst the swarm of the fighters, and they didn't even want to  _think_ of the damage Lance was taking. But still, Lance pushed forward, heading to the planet they just came from. Then, all of a sudden, there was a bright light they all recognised too well from war, which soon combusted to ferocious flames, all the Galra fighters in the vicinity exploding from the force of the blast.  
"LANCE!" The team screamed until their voices were hoarse, Hunk and Pidge in tears- the other two pretty darn close.  
 ****

_**Lance's pod was a bomb. Lance blew himself up. Lance didn't tell them and ran away to protect them, telling them to carry on. How did they not notice sooner? When did Lance know? Why didn't Lance say anything sooner? Was it planned?** _

"I see Lance!" Keith exclaimed, Pidge and Hunk struggling to see the smudge of blue in the planet's atmosphere, descending towards the planet.   
"Cover him!" Shiro instructed, the team having to shoot with such precision to make sure they didn't hit Lance.  
"Shiro! Let me go after Lance!" Keith yelled over the sounds of the explosions, tearing his eyes away from the battle to momentarily meet eyes with Shiro to show he was serious.  
"But Keith-"  
"The impact with the sea will kill him if he isn't dead already Shiro!" Keith raised his voice angrily, everyone falling silent if not for Pidge and Hunk sobbing because they knew it was true.   
After a moment of hard deliberation, Shiro reached his decision. "Okay Keith. Call us as soon as you have him."

Keith needn't hear more as he leapt out the pod, flying towards Lance with the pleads and prayers of the team behind him. Even with Keith's jet-pack, Lance was still miles away- but if you looked closely, Lance's jet-packs were flickering with life. Lance's eyes were shut, but his fingers were weakly holding onto the button for his jet-pack. Keith internally cheered- Lance was alive and conscious enough to make use of his jet-pack. He thought not to tell the team in case it distracted them. Slowly, Keith inched his way closer to Lance, enough to see Lance's shoulder was singed black, hit by a laser, his visor cracked and a cut on his temple.   
 _'Just a little further!'_  
Then Lance's jet-pack stopped all together. Keith had guessed Lance had fallen unconscious- which should’ve been expected considering he was just blown up. It frustrated him he was so close to Lance, but couldn't quite reach.  
"Come on Lance!" Keith yelled, ignoring the team's confused and worried voices, "For god's sake Lance! Just a little more! Come on! Please!" He knew that Lance couldn't hear, but he had to try. Just as Keith managed to make contact with Lance; Lance hit the water with a large splash, Keith tumbling in after him, colliding with Lance's unconscious body. Keith cursed, praying he hadn't accidentally worsened Lance's injuries. Knowing Lance's visor was cracked, Keith was obliged to hurry and hooked his arms under Lance's armpits, locking his hands over Lance's chest plate, ignoring the searing pain in his shoulder and the streams of blood trailing behind the pair as Keith gently tugged them to the surface. Keith made sure to keep Lance's head above the water as he swam the two to shore- which luckily wasn't too far. Carefully hauling Lance up to the shore, Keith sent his location to the team with, "I've got Lance."  
To check Lance's breathing, Keith delicately slid off Lance's helmet, hovering close to Lance's face to feel his breath.  
He felt nothing.  
Swiftly, Keith pulled off Lance's chest plate and wordlessly pinched Lance's nose, tilted his chin back while pressing his lips to Lance's, blowing long puffs of air into Lance's still lungs. After three rescue breaths, Keith alternated to thirty chest compressions. Finally after four painstakingly long minutes, Lance's body convulsed and Keith broke the kiss away, rolling Lance's body to allow him to cough out the water. But that wasn't all that he coughed out. He wouldn't stop coughing, each cough becoming more violent until red splattered the ground next to him. He gasped for air, weakly gripping Keith's hand before his body fell limp. His breaths came out with quiet hums as it rattled his airways and his skin was losing colour quickly.

"Keith! We're here!"  
The team all jumped out the pods and ran to Lance's side, Keith randomly noting that the cut on Lance's temple had clotted. Hunk and Pidge wailed their hearts out, each taking one of Lance's cold, gloved hands in their own, Hunk reassuring Lance he was okay as if Lance was awake while they stripped him of his tough armour.  
"He's so cold!" Hunk commented ironically as he placed a hand on Lance's pale cheek. If Lance was awake, he'd surely make a joke about being cold and being in an explosion.  
"H - How are we going to take Lance back? There's only four seats in the pods." Pidge pointed out.  
"I'll hold him." Shiro stated, giving no room for arguments. The team were quietly salty that they weren't the ones getting to stay with Lance, but honestly, Shiro needed it. That and Pidge would be too small, Hunk would be too big and Keith just rescued him.  
"Okay, let's hurry then."   
Hunk and Pidge carried Lance's blood stained armour into their pods, throwing them in the back then throwing themselves in the seats while Shiro scooped Lance off the ground and manoeuvred the pair into his seat, removing his own chest plate and arm covers to keep Lance warm as they zoomed to the castle, Keith trying to hurry but not to jostle Lance too much. God, Lance was freezing and so pale and lifeless, it was painful for Shiro to watch Lance's body pitifully strain for breath.  
Along the way there were some terrifying long pauses from Lance, his breaths shallow and barely audible if not for Shiro being so close.

An eternity later, the team landed in the hanger, where Allura and Coran were waiting with two stretchers on standby. Time couldn't have passed slower getting to the castle, but once they were; it was too fast. Hunk leapt out the pod a sobbing mess as Shiro laid Lance on the stretcher, Shiro explaining the situation in greater detail to Coran and Allura in person, everyone tailing Coran to the medical wing. Coran needn't see more and carefully placed Lance's body immediately in the healing pod as the others watched in silence, Hunk tightly holding Pidge as they both sharply inhaled at the smears of red everywhere. Lance's blood was on Hunk's armour, on his own armour, on Coran, on Keith's armour, on Shiro's arms, on the examining table and now in the pod. Voltron killed Lance. Or that's what it looked like.  
"He was suffering from blood and oxygen loss, burst eardrums, blindness, most likely a concussion, a dislocated shoulder, a burned shoulder, a broken rib and a crack in his spinal cord- his back was under a lot of strain. He should heal up fine, give him a few days." Coran summarised cheerfully.  
"How long is a few days?" Keith ground out, fists clenched by his side and his eyes still fixed on Lance's stats, unable to understand the Altean but could tell from the diagrams that Lance was far too low in many vitals.  
"Maybe a week?"  
Allura stood besides Keith, resting a hand on his shoulder, "Lance will be okay Keith."

* * *

 

_In the darkness, Lance could hear a mechanical whirr around him. He groaned, "Not again. No thank you." But there was no response. No voice in his head offering to swap Lance's soul for nothing._

_Like before, Lance was alone._

Then everything seemed to fall on his shoulders and chest and his limbs felt heavy, hearing the hiss of doors opening, his body dropping like a rock. Lance stumbled forwards, forcing his lead eyelids open, shuffling towards the blurry shapes of his friends.  
"Lance!" Warmth enveloped said male and all the air in his lungs were squeezed out of him. Lance tapped against Hunk, signalling his shortness of breath. "Oh! Sorry dude!" Hunk kept a firm grip on Lance as he began to re-orientate himself again with reality, the jittery and expectant stares of his friends becoming clearer.  
"Hey... What happened?" Lance's throat was so dry it hurt, like he hadn't been speaking for centuries- well, seven months if he had counted right.  
"You don't remember?" Pidge asked incredulously, Lance shaking his head in response.  
"Maybe it was because of the explosion!" Coran enthused, giving a kind pat on the back to the Blue Paladin. "I wouldn't expect all the memories to be there after your ear drums burst and you had a concussion!"  
"Why didn't you say anything Lance? You could've died!" Keith snapped with little heat and more worry- but it was enough to reignite the intense feeling of worthlessness again in Lance.

Lance tried to retreat back into his mind like he had gotten used to doing by shutting his eyes tightly. Then Lance 2.0 would calmly open his eyes, fix his sloppy stance and smile and tell the team what they wanted and needed to hear. Lance 2.0 would know better. Right now, Lance was overwhelmed with emotions, the very things Lance 2.0 said that was holding him back from greatness. But he couldn't simply throw away his feelings. And why wasn't Lance 2.0 responding?!

Lance's breathing became ragged as it dawned on him what had happened, memories of the past seven months streaming into his mind, the neat arrangements Lance 2.0 made sent tumbling down. Thrust helplessly back into the limelight, Lance didn't know what to do- he wasn't equipped like Lance 2.0. How would the others react once they found out he was lying, manipulated and back to the unstable goofball?

"Lance! Are you alright?" He could hear Allura's voice calling out to him, and he could feel her reaching a hand out to him.  
Lance flinched away, demanding for his legs to take a step back from everyone, hanging his head to hide the shame and rejection he was sure was written all over his face. "I - I'm fine. I just... I - I feel sick, I'm just gonna..." And Lance bolted away like a frightened animal, ignoring the cry of his teammates.

Lance needed space to breathe, time to think, silence over the roaring storm of emotions and whirlwind of thoughts; time to ground himself back into the harsh reality he'd long spent hiding from. Blue beckoned him to safety in her as Lance felt his control slipping through his fingers like water. Blue welcomed him with open arms (or paws) as he launched himself into the cockpit, crumbling to tearful pieces while Blue purred soothingly, calming her distressed Paladin with her quintessence, as if cradling him like a mother would. Eventually, when Lance had finished his initial round of tears, Blue prodded at Lance, worried for him as she sensed self-loathing practically rolling off Lance. He was lying to Blue too in those seven months. He was surprised she didn't hate him. Soft growls from Blue silenced Lance's thoughts, telling him she could never hate him and would accept him no matter what. Cue Lance's second round of tears, in which everything poured out, explaining where he'd been for seven months.  
"I'm so scared Blue. They're gonna hate me. They - They're gonna be disappointed I'm back to me. I am too! But I missed them so much! And I don't know how to be anyone other than the emotional mess! It's not fair, I can't be the Lance they want. It's not f - fair." Blue began to channel feelings of warmth and comfort through their bond, wrapping herself around her Paladin protectively, her particle barrier unwavering at the presence of the Red Paladin.  
"Lance! I know you're up there!" Lance bit his lip tightly to quell the sob rising in his chest, his eyes prickling behind his eyelids. "Lance! Can we talk? I want to talk to you." Then there was silence.  
Lance muffled his anguished cry with his jacket which so happened to be in Blue. 

_The Lance that Keith wants to talk to was gone. The Lance the others eagerly greeted had vanished. The Lance the team were waiting for would never come back. If they were looking for Lance, they would never find him._

A few hours later, Keith was awoken by his back suddenly meeting the cold floor, eyes shooting open to see Blue looming over him. The particle barrier was down.  **Lance.**  Was he finally letting him in?   
"Lance. I'm coming up." Keith scrabbled to his feet and attempted to calmly climb into the cockpit. Curled up on the floor in the far corner was the boy Keith was looking for, asleep. Or unconscious. Keith crept up to him, peering down at Lance's face, and to his shock, Lance's expression didn't look like someone who willingly went to sleep. His eyebrows were furrowed and fists clenched so tightly they were shaking, his eyes looking a little red.  "Lance. I'm gonna take you to Coran just to be safe." Keith placed a hand on Lance's shoulder, even more surprised to feel Lance trembling a little, then did as he said he would, scooping Lance off the floor, holding him closely as his breathing evened. Blue's particle barrier -that was put up again- was taken down again, allowing Keith to pass with Lance. 

Something was wrong, Blue was never usually this protective unless something happened. At this time, Keith didn't expect anybody up, but surprisingly everyone was waiting in the shared area, all rising like in church when Keith walked through with Lance in his arms.  
"What happened?!" Pidge exclaimed worriedly as they all crowded around Keith, Shiro having to remind them about personal space, then Pidge arguing that Keith was in Lance's so why couldn't they be either?  
"I found him asleep in Blue. Coran, can you take a look at him? Something... Something isn't right. This isn't the Lance we know." Keith sighed quietly with a sad shake of his head.  
"Of course Keith my boy!"  
Keith agreed to bring back the results while Pidge whined that they couldn't go with Keith, Shiro silencing them with a look- but not one of anger, but rather sympathy.

"Hm... Physically he seems fine, but his mental activity is unusually high and he has a surge of chemicals, acetylcholine and norepinephrine, which is what is causing Lance to be so jumpy, most likely." Coran concluded, laying Lance on the examination table while he showed Keith the results.  
"Is there anything we can do about it?"  
"These chemicals, as far as I'm concerned, are triggered by something, it's not something we nor Lance can control, it is simply a reaction to something. Do we know what could be causing this?" Keith fell silent at Coran's explanation, gazing down at Lance.

What happened Lance?  
  


* * *

 

"What are acetylcline and norepine anyway?" Keith scoffed, sinking into the sofa deeply. Why did things always have to be so complicated?  
"Acetylcholine and norepinephrine” Hunk corrected, “are hormones. Acetylcholine is to cap the adrenaline and norepinephrine induces acetylcholine." He explained, shrugging at the baffled expressions of his team mates, "What can I say, I'm knowledgeable."  
"Well I guess hormones are normal for a teenager." Shiro hummed thoughtfully.  
"Yeah, but hormones aren't the cause of what's happened to Lance." Pidge snorted, grabbing their laptop, the others agreeing.  
"Uh, they might be! Hormones are a big deal in teenagers if you haven't noticed!" Hunk countered. "I don't completely know what they do, they could have some other effects other than adrenaline- I - I'm not the science geek, ask Pidge!"  
"You're the one who happened to know what they are Hunk. Besides I can't look them up on the internet, I don't have WiFi in space." Pidge sighed, Hunk suddenly realising how much he was missing out on without the internet, how easily at home he could've just grabbed his phone to search up silly things like the meanings of words or how to fix an Altean ship.   
In space, everything seems so much smaller that things like the internet just seemed trivial. He has all his friends on the ship so there's no need for WiFi to message them, and they always had the space mall to get things like games. But he really wished he could look up the hormones now- it would bother him forever until he thoroughly researches it.

After a deep, thoughtful discussion, the team decided to let the problem rest for the night and thought it better to approach it afresh tomorrow, with clearer minds and when they’re more awake (said Hunk with a yawn, prompting the others to all yawn too). Maybe, if Lance was awake and willing, they could talk to him about it.  
The team each went to their separate rooms to rest, bidding each other a good night. Shiro thought it was a good bonding moment for the team, all becoming closer through their worry for Lance, everyone problem-solving together, finding ways to help Lance.

A blood-curdling scream shook everyone in the castle awake.

**_Lance._ **


	4. Part 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> in which the truth is revealed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey! it took me a while to find the right words to write lmao, it was like a mini writing block, so apologies if it seems a bit... constipated? This might be the final part unless I decide to write an epilogue (it would literally just be FLUFF maybe with a sprinkle of angst)!  
> Thank you so so much for your support in my first fic on here! I’ve received so much love it’s unreal! ily all! <333

_The world began to crumble underneath Lance's feet, Lance frozen in place as his body was sucked into the black void beneath him. He screamed but no voice came out. Helplessly, he stretched his arms to grab onto anything, but there was nothing left for him to hold. The light of the world got further and further away until the darkness swallowed him whole._

Lance's eyes shot open, his whole body jerking as he landed, his breathing erratic and heart pounding painfully. Turquoise lights illuminated the small glass case Lance was trapped in, loud humming reverberating in the limited space he had- which meant limited oxygen. Pounding his fists against the glass, Lance screamed hoarsely for help, tears welling in his eyes the longer there was no response. Eventually the front panel opened with a swoosh, Lance stumbling out, eyes darting around as he heard alarms blaring around him. He looked behind him where his stats were highlighted red. 

Were they trying to kill him? Did someone cut off the power? Was someone intruding?

Lance could hear a flurry of inconceivable loud noises around him and felt a hand on his back. Were the Galra abducting him?  
  
"No!" Lance cried out, jerking back from the touch. "Get away!" He screamed, yanking his arm away from where someone had grabbed it firmly. Scrambling back as best he could - his legs not properly functioning after being in the pod - his eyes searched around for a familiar face or a weapon he could use to defend himself.  
  
Where were the others? Had they been taken? Oh God. Did they get his team? The voice in his head -  ** _the Galra_**  - probably lead them here. Who knows, in the time he was asleep, the Galra in his head could've spilled all of Voltron's secrets. Did Lance know the secrets? Or did the other Lance find out themselves?

"Calm down-" A voice spoke. It sounded like Shiro- but maybe it was the voice again. It wasn't real. He couldn't trust it.

"I said stay back!" Lance uttered, managing to wobble to his feet, unable to see clearly through the haze, the bright, sterile lights not helping. He could see the figures in front of him with their arms up, and could vaguely hear murmuring. What were they planning? "What have you done with the team?!"

"What are you talking about? We're right here?" The voice sounded so much like Keith that Lance wanted to cry.

But what if it was a lie?

"No... No no no..!" Lance grabbed his head with one hand, wincing in pain as his eyes filled with tears again. He wasn't going to get tricked again. That was stupid of him. "You're all lying... How... How can I trust you?!"

_'I won't get manipulated again, no matter what.'_

"Lance, snap out of it!" The voice shouted, Lance instinctively cowering away, his legs turning to water beneath him at the voice's raised tone.

_Why was Keith shouting? What did he do now? Was it what the voice did? Did they find out what he had done? God, Lance felt so sick. He felt light-headed and like his limbs were slowly turning to static. Was this the voice taking over him again?_

"I'm sorry..." Lance whispered, panting for air as a layer of sweat began to form on his skin, Lance feeling too hot for comfort. "Please don't hurt them..."

"We're fine - everyone is fine." The Shiro-sounding voice said calmly, a cool hand pressed against his face as he slumped against the wall, curling in on himself as best he could.

"Good... Tell them again I'm sorry..." Lance murmured, his lips feeling heavy and eyes struggling to stay open. "I - I'm sorry..." He cried quietly, pressing his face into the cool hand, tears sliding down his cheeks. Even if it was a Galra holding him; he was so hot he just naturally moved towards the cooler temperatures.

"Don't be sorry my boy." Coran? "You're okay now. Everybody is okay. Nothing happened. You just woke up unexpectedly early in the pod."

Lance could feel strong arms pulling him up gently and firmly, moving him around, laying him on a surface. He had no energy to protest and let the tears continue to roll down his cheeks silently, someone constantly wiping them before they could fall further than his cheek. At some point someone was also stroking Lance's hair. It felt nice.

"What happened?" Allura arrived on the scene- or whoever it was sounded like Allura. Lance was too tired to open his eyes, though he knew he wouldn't see much anyway.

"Lance woke up early in the pod, so he freaked out." The Shiro-sounding one explained, a cloth wiping Lance's forehead and his neck. "We're thinking he's having a low sugar spell which is causing his high temperature and instability. After all, he hasn't eaten in almost four days."

"Pidge has gone to get some sort of food for him." The Keith-sounding one added.

"I see." A sigh very like Allura was heard, Lance's lip twitching upwards at the sound- it was very Allura. They had this Allura impression nailed.

"It's probably gonna be green goo. Can you stomach that Lance?" Hunk chuckled wetly, gently holding Lance's clammy hand. Lance could almost believe it was Hunk. God, he missed the team so much. He wanted to believe it. But whatever Lance believed usually turned out to be wrong.

"R - Real?" Lance croaked with a herculean effort to get his lips to move and voice box to work.

"Everyone around you is real Lance. My boy, you truly saved your team. It's all real." Lance could imagine Coran's facial expression just by the sound of pride? in his voice. 

_~~But why would Coran be proud of him? Because of them they all could’ve died...~~ _

"Real." Lance repeated as more tears flowed.

"There was only goo left-" Pidge stumbled in, stopping mid-sentence. "Uh... Di - Did I miss something?"

"Told you so." Hunk laughed with a sniffle. Was Hunk crying?

"Lance, we're gonna need you to sit up to eat. Maybe not open your eyes if you don't want to, but at least sit up okay?" Shiro spoke calmly, soon followed by his body being moved again. Lance cracked his eyes open a little, forcing them to stay open so he could see his team, no matter how watery his eyes got from the intensity of the light or from his overflowing emotions.

"Hi!" He was greeted with the tired grinning face of Pidge, holding the bowl of goo and a spoon. "Sorry there was nothing better but this has all the stuff you need." Pidge grimaced as Lance faintly smiled.

"Can you manage or do you need us to-"

"Manage." Lance cut off Shiro’s words. If Lance was physically capable to blush, he would be, but (thankfully) he was too pale for any colour to be shown on his face.   
With shaky hands, Lance slowly managed a mouthful of goo, swallowing it straight, sipping at the water pouch Coran offered. After three spoonfuls, Lance grew tired, the adrenaline wearing off. With a heavy exhale of breath, Lance turned his head away from the food, he felt like he was going to be sick if he had more.

"Lance..." Shiro whined with worry, "You need to eat more."

"Tired. Full." Lance's limbs felt a little less weighted, but now he was absolutely exhausted.

"I know you're tired, but you need to eat to replenish your energy." Allura pleaded.

"You'll wake up worse if you don't eat." Keith pointed out. Lance huffed quietly and decided to try for another spoonful. Then another. Then another. He kept going until he finished the bowl, now on the brink of slipping away again.

"Good job Lance!" Hunk cheered, letting Lance sip on more water.

"You can sleep now." Keith commented with a smirk, though his eyes were filled with a strangely soft expression. Maybe Lance was hallucinating.

It was so nice Lance didn't want to sleep in case he woke up to them gone. He didn't want to wake up to another seven months of darkness. Alas, his body betrayed him as he felt everything seem to get further away and his eyes were becoming unfocused and with a sigh, Lance slipped from consciousness.

 

* * *

 

 

_"I'm sorry."_

Keith was shaken awake from the same recurring nightmare he'd had ever since that day around four months ago, sitting up to find everyone asleep around Lance, who was sitting up-

"Lance!" Keith whispered in disbelief and pure relief.

From the horror-stricken look on Lance's face; Keith wasn't the only one with nightmares.

Sweat slid down Lance's paled face, his hair stuck to his face, his normally glimmering ocean eyes now bloodshot and brimming with tears. He heaved for breath then began to gag, his whole body convulsing as he clamped his hands on his mouth, a mixture of muffled sobs and gasps escaping his lips. Once he stopped dry-heaving, Lance moved his hands to cover his ears, scrunching his eyes shut. By now the others had woken up from Lance's movements and taken to trying to comfort the boy.

"Lance, a - are you okay?"

_"Kill them."_

"Lance, buddy, talk to us."

_"Grab Keith's blade-"_

"Lance?"

_"And plunge it-"_

"Shut up! Go away..." Lance suddenly snapped, "Just leave me alone..." He pleaded.

"Lance, you need to snap out of it." Shiro took a step forward, firmly holding Lance's shoulders.

Lance's head snapped up, almost head-butting Shiro, his eyes blown wide open, filled with surprise, terror and utter dejection.

Words tumbled out of Lance's mouth, a blubbering, panicked mess.

"I- I'm sorry, I didn't mean it! I - It said it would help me be an ideal soldier and it knew how I felt- I accepted because - because you guys deserve a better soldier, someone better than me! You guys probably won't say it, but I wanted to be - to be better for you guys!"

"Lance-"

"I'm so stupid - so stupid for believing it could solve all my problems- like my selfishness- he - he said he would teach me how to overcome it! A - And my emotions, because I get too emotional - he said he would tamper my emotions!"

"Lan-"

"Then - Then I hid from you guys - I'm so sorry - so sorry - I - I - the back of my mind, I stayed there, far away, it was dark, and black, and quiet, and I was scared, and I thought I'd never see you guys again, and the only time I was allowed out was to see Blue! Tha - That night when Blue went haywire was - was when I kind of, maybe, officially gave up- I'm sorry I gave up, I was just so tired! I - I-"

"Lance! Shut up! Calm down!" Keith finally snapped, said boy jumping massively in surprise, his eyes darting around frantically, though he was unable to meet anyone's eyes. "I mean... Don't listen to me... I just..." Keith sighed heavily, cursing his awkward social skills. "It's not about me, it's about you Lance." Keith said, more to himself, though Lance heard very clearly, his mind running a million miles an hour to try and understand Keith's words while Shiro felt his chest swell. Since when did Keith grow so mature?   
"Continue- slower." He ordered after a long, slow breath allowing all of them to organise their thoughts.

After a moments hesitation, Lance did as told.

"I didn't realise that it was all a plan to corrupt Voltron, I didn't know it was using me until the last minute. I... I'm sorry I didn't realise sooner. I was just so..." For the first time that night, Lance fell silent, struggling for his words as his eyes welled with tears again.

"So..?" Shiro prompted, trying to come across as encouraging rather than pushy- which Lance appreciated.

"I'm just so utterly hopeless and selfish; so when this thing appeared in my life promising to change everything, of course I took it up like an idiot." Lance shook his head shamefully, head hung so low Keith thought his neck would snap. Keith's chest hurt at Lance's bitter, pained laugh, "I guess I never changed in the end, I'm still as stupid as I was. I just... wanted it to be true. I wanted to be the perfect guy for you guys and give you guys what you deserve, but I can't. And I'm sorry. I don't know how. I'm just me, and I'm really sorry I can't give you more even though you deserve so much better."

Lance had given them his all, had given everything and more for their sake, but it just wasn't enough- that's what Lance thought. He gave his all in everything until he had nothing left and burned out. That was when the being took over what was left- filling in the emptiness of what Lance had given. He was a perfect foundation for the being to take advantage of and build on. It left Lance with the fact that sometimes everything isn't enough. Some things aren't meant to be, no matter what. It hurt. So badly, Lance wanted to  _be_ , ignoring the obvious fact that he wasn't meant to be.

Lance's quiet hiccups and sniffles drew the team out their thoughts, breaking hearts again at the sight of the ruins of Lance. Slowly and carefully as if Lance would shatter, Shiro pulled Lance to his chest, resting his chin on Lance's head and gently rubbing a hand on his back in an attempt to be reassuring. It was awkward, but Lance sought comfort in the Black Paladin nonetheless.

"I'm so tired."

"I know." Shiro began- he couldn't even imagine what sort of expression Lance wore- he didn't want to. "And... And I'm sorry you had to go through that. You... Lance, you are more than enough for us, you're irreplaceable-"

"Liar." Lance snorted.

"You are our irreplaceable Blue Paladin," Keith continued, "and I have no idea what I would do without you-- what... what we would do without you. Voltron is incomplete without you." Keith was pretty sure his face was red, thankful Lance couldn't see it- though Keith could see the tips of Lance's ears tinted pink. Keith allowed himself to sit next to Lance, resting a hand on his back. Would Keith be allowed closer to Lance now? Was now a good time to try?

"You are not hopeless, or stupid, or any of that crap you called yourself! We wouldn't have you any other way!" Hunk sobbed, pulling everyone into a much needed hug, with Lance in the centre. No one resisted. "You're the most selfless person I know Lance! You're not only the leg of Voltron keeping us standing, you're our heart- the heart of Voltron dude! Robots don't even have hearts- but you gave it one!"

"We... We don't deserve you Lance. Stupid or not, we love you for who you are." Pidge added with a sniffle. "You're my stupid space brother, you're perfect as you are. You're stupid for thinking of these stupid things- they're not true."

Lance let out a choked sob, as if he was still holding back, tightly gripping Keith's shirt, Keith afraid they'd said something wrong.

"You guys..." Then Lance broke all over again into loud, anguished sobs, big, fat tears rolling down Lance's cheek as he cried his heart out, everyone constantly reassuring him of his place on the team, making sure Lance would never have to question it again, abolishing any doubt. Lance bawled out apologies amongst his sea of tears, the other team members also contributed their fair share too. Everyone needed the hug, everyone needed the cry. Especially Lance. Who was alive. "I was so happy when I woke up and you guys were there! Thank you guys so much!"

Such a simple act of literally being there for Lance meant so much.

_Thank the heavens for not taking away their Lance just yet. It was painful to think about it._

**Author's Note:**

> -inspired by Be More Chill (musical)-
> 
> "they witnessed his destruction, then were left to wonder why, he saw nothing but darkness, though the stars shone in his eyes, but maybe they'd forgotten, when they failed to see the cracks, that a star's light shines brightest, when it's starting to collapse." ~ Eric Hanson

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [A Deal with the Devil](https://archiveofourown.org/works/15233412) by [Windfall13](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Windfall13/pseuds/Windfall13)




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